Does this beard make me look fat

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Luke, I could be your father, but we need to do a paternity test first. So it's a strong maybe.

In observance of the fast approaching Fathers Day, I tried to assemble a short list of songs that pay tribute to fathers. I discovered that a good number of songs recognize that some men love to haul ass out of their respective domestic situations. Papa was a rolling stone, Gone daddy gone, Papa's got a brand new bag, etc...not very flattering. So I''ll just tell you about my pops. Charlie Freteluco is a Marxist, and an avid Sam Cooke fan. He adheres to all rules established by the Catholic church and often times finds himself in the confessional telling someone he says the word fuck too much and comments on every woman's bottom he sees. Even the big ones. He is an old country western movie aficionado yet, surprisingly, he was not thrilled when I duped him into watching Brokeback Mountain. Even as I am making my way to 40, my dad still asks if I'd like various women for a new step mom. He had 10 kids, and probably would have had more but he said 10 was a good number. He could start a sports team with 10. His litmus test of how strongly he dislikes someone is when he says "I wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire." I assured him the likelihood of his ever seeing an enemy engulfed in flames, while having a near-bursting bladder was decidedly low. I asked if he would pee on someone he liked? Her said I was being silly and to knock it off. We were both in a bar in Flagstaff, AZ and as a joke, my dad asked a woman to dance with me. I danced with girls in Middle School, stepped on a lot of toes, reviled in the prepubescent awkwardness of it all. But I had never danced with a grown woman. He asked some woman who was noticeably older than me to dance with me and I was not thrilled in the least. I told the lady my hips and feet were inherently white, and that dancing was not in the cards for me. She said she wasn't getting shot down by me. I didn't like how that sounded. So I danced with her to the song that plays in La Bamba when Richie Valens dies. Its an instrumental number called Sleepwalk. While we were dancing I quickly noticed that the bar was filled with Hells Angels members. I'm not sure if they carry cards, but lets assume they do, so these were bona fied card carrying Hells Angels. They didn't seem violent, they weren't brandishing weapons or doing doughnuts on their bikes in the bar. But there was a ton of them in this bar. I always wanted to act out the scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure where he knocks over the bikes then saved himself with an impromptu performance of the Tramps Tequila. So call yer pop's on Fathers Day.
Your Pal, Luke

1 comment:

hellofacey said...

Bwwwwwahahahahahahahahahaha! Fantastic.