Does this beard make me look fat

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The GOP took my baby away or how Conservative Talk Radio kidnapped my friend

Solid, steadfast friendship is a funny, elusive thing. To make it through the perpetual changes of life and still retain a few solid friends, thats remarkable. I equate most of life's struggles to a war on what ever the case may be. To me, a declared solidarity to someone seems like a fair bet to ensure that you're coming out intact. If it's your spouse then you're declaring war on the general bullshit life presents be it In-laws, bills, etc., but if it's your friend, and i mean true blue friend, then you're essentially life partners without the protests and demonizing.

Admittedly, there's a lot of shape shifting and principle shuffling to be done as the years pass, and you lose some folks along
the way. Such is life, you accept these things as they present themselves and keep marching on. But some folks are easier to let go of then others. I had this buddy we're going to call Ted Nugent, who I used to pal around with back in High School. He was the yin to my yang, the chocolate in my pudding, the Abbot to my Costello (which ever one was more rotund would be Ted Nugent) or the Boss Hog to my Roscoe. We were more or less inseparable throughout the years and saw each other through many hallmark moments of our adolescence like my offering up my bedroom to Ted Nugent while I was at school so he could lose his virginity to the girl that worked the popcorn machine at the second run movie theater he was a door man at. Or when Ted Nugent witnessed my other best friend perform amateur Rhinoplasty on me by uppercutting me, thereby breaking my nose.

After high school is when things got weird between Ted Nugent and I. Ted Nugent fell in with a different crowd. A crowd that preyed upon his frustrations and discontentment. No, not the Crips. No not even a biker gang, though I think the sole reason a biker gang wouldn't take Ted Nugent was because he had difficulties with math and if the staple crop of the American biker is or was crystal meth and the selling of it their main form of income, one would hope you'd have your sales right when a man named Cobra is asking for his money. No, my dear friend Ted Nugent started running with the conservative talk radio crowd. At first he started off easy with Tom Leykis, who is sort of like the gateway drug to the more debilitating heroin that is Michael Savage. According to Ted Nugent, Leykis' modus operandi is that you should only have to take a girl to Sizzler to get to "happy town".Ted Nugent quickly moved on to Michael Savage, and therein lies the sole reason for the demise of our relationship. Our irreconcilable difference, if you will.

I'm a fairly passive, easy going guy who is extraordinarily difficult to piss off. But Ted Nugent took to reminding me of my "liberal agenda" every time I'd see him and eventually I had to illustrate a point for him. If there is an agenda, which I wasn't made aware of if such an agenda does exist, then I'm too lazy to follow it. I went to an Anti-Bush rally once, but only because it was hosted by a magazine i wrote for and I wanted to see the former singer of the Dead Kennedy's speak. I might vote regularly, but I don't put that much stock into politics anymore so to say I adhere to anyone's agenda would be off base at best. Though I'm committed to the agenda of a guy that makes pizza in Phoenix as his pizza might actually contain trace amounts of heroin, its that good.

As Ted Nugent delved deeper and deeper into the rhetoric of conservative radio, hanging out with him became a test of one's mental fortitude and ability to ignore comments like "When are you gonna knock Obama's cock outta yer mouth?" You know, one's memory starts to wane as the years mount, but I'd surely remember fellating the presidential wang. I would. And I'd want a ribbon, or plaque for doing it along with a large sum of money. Something I could retire with. And it's not simply a matter of differing politics. I support whatever you're into, really I do. Who you rally for means zero to me. If you're a Munchkin and you're pissed off at how the Wicked Witch is running Oz into the yellow brick covered ground, I'm more than happy if you and a horde of equally disgruntled knee high reachers, along with the Lollipop Guild protest and vote for better living conditions. Just don't preach if you're not preaching to the choir.

As a side note, I should mention something that Ted Nugent does when he's trying to belittle you. He starts to say in a roundabout way that you're not the smartest guy around, but completely fucks things up in the process. Sample: You're not the sharpest bulb in the box. It's hilarious and innocent and I love it every time he says it. I have decided that only on Ted Nugent's death bed will I explain to him that spoons and lightbulbs aren't meant to be smart just like knives aren't intended to be bright.

And so it is with dear Ted Nugent in mind that I ask for Hannity, O'Reily, Savage, Leykis and their ilk to not necessarily return Ted Nugent to his old state. The newer version of Ted Nugent,Ted Nugent 2.0, at the very least doesn't leave his porn out for the world to see. (I didn't think the porn industry could top the industry standard of 3 x's, you know XXX. That pretty much spells out the plot, the subplot and overall intention of the film for you. But some innovative, ground breaking cinematic visionary saw a threshold of x's that was meant to be broken and thus released a film whose title was proceeded by no less than 6 X's. I saw this film haphazardly left in the middle of Ted Nugent's room, picked up the tape and asked Ted Nugent if he thought the films ending left room for a sequel. ) No, I just ask the who's who of conservative radio to instill a sense of acceptance of others in Ted Nugent as to make him more tolerable and less abrasive. Ted Nugent's friendship is worth dealing with all those extra X's.

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