Does this beard make me look fat

Monday, November 1, 2010

Prince says if the elevator tries to bring you down, well, go crazy or Things to fear more than political landscape change

With the election having passed, emotions on both ends of the political spectrum have been stirred and you may find yourself in a state of elation or dejection, depending on your placement on the political radio dial. You might be thinking that darker days lie ahead, and dearest cowboys and cowgirls, they might. You might be thinking that all your pothead friends that tell you a comet is going to strike Earth in 2012 and there ain't a goddamn thing Ben Affleck or Bruce Willis can do about it and you might as well max out your credit cards on lap dances and fur coats. But when you think about it, there are more pressing issues. Here's a users guide to issues more pertinent than individuals that appreciate Dennis Miller being elected.

1. Creed/Nickelback still retain a loyal fan base. Sweet Jesus, how is this possible? Messianic posturing on both parts aside, theirs is the music of the tin eared. When I hear their music, I feel like they've had their way with my ear holes and if you swabbed my ears they'd smell like the DNA of the lead singer of Creed.

2. Weight gain. I love pizza about as much as I love wearing old pairs of pants. Brie cheese is just as great, but brie cheese might be made from angel tears and heroin for its the perfect balance of heavenly and evil. It's definitely up there in the things that can help you lose sight of your junk while in an upright position.

3. Get A Life still isn't, and might never be released on DVD. In the late 80's, early nineties, Fox had a show that was based around a guy named Chris Elliot whose only aspiration in life was to be a newspaper boy. Fox didn't get it, viewers didn't get it, so it was cancelled. The shows premise is eerily reminiscent of the directionlessness experienced by many the 30 something, with an REM theme song no less.

4. Colonoscopies. You will get one one day, friendo. I'm a 2 time colonoscopy vet, compadre, and they're not that bad. Not as enjoyable as, say, soft serve ice cream or peeing outside, but its not the adulthood equivalent of a trip to the dentist that it's made out to be. Plus, they give you wallet sizes afterwards and Grandmas everywhere are a big fan of the wallet sized photo.

5. Going Crazy. I'm not talking about the "let's kick off our purple high heels, should the elevator try to bring us down" kind of crazy wee little one Prince sang about. I'm talking about dementia. My grandmother lived with it and I decided that Grams has officially checked out mentally when she emphatically insisted that I was an astronaut. I couldn't argue with her on that one. If it had been a janitor or short order cook, I'd have corrected her. But I liked the idea of me landing, or not landing depending on who you talk to, on the moon. But nonetheless, crazy could be on life's menu for some of us. With that in mind, I stopped using deodorant that contains aluminum. The problem with this is you only find these types of deodorant at places where people that normally eschew societal norms like masking funkiness shop (i.e. Whole Foods or Trader Joe's ). So its not at all surprising that you find that when you use their deodorant, you begin to smell like them. Fact of the matter is, while I'm minimizing my aluminum intake, I smell like a Phish fan.

6. Gay people still can't marry. You could argue this point, but I have trouble accepting that an army of KD Lang fans and men who can pinpoint with undeniable accuracy where the watershed moments lie in Madonna's career (I'm going with Justify My Love and Ray Of Light) threaten the sanctity of marriage. They can't threaten an institution whose sanctity was compromised a long time ago, I'd say sometime in the 80's when divorces really started to pick up steam in this country. The sentiments that marriage is based upon are sacred, or should be, but the actual legal process is anything but. And for what its worth, gay marriages might have better foundations than their straight counterparts as when you're denied something for so long and finally receive it, you seem more apt to take better care of it.

7. You're going to lose your edge. You will. I have. And a younger person will be the first one to point it out to you. I was playing the Beatles at a party and a young girl referred to it as "her Dad's music". I wanted to offer a hipster rebuttal, but i realized "Holy shit Luke, you're turning into a middle aged man. When do I start buying Don Henley Cd's"? In spite of that, I run all the time and listen to the Butthole Surfers despite the new sensation I'm experiencing in my left knee I've named "future knee surgery".

8. Back Hair. Most will dodge this bodily stigma of a bullet. Some like my buddy Brian, who possesses a mean swath of thick back hair, won't. His words: It's not the back hair that bothers me, it's the stigma attached to it. Uhm, yeah. It's one of many middle fingers life likes to extend to men as they age.

9. Paranoia while smoking weed. I used to be a gold medal winning weed smoker, till I started experiencing a certain level of paranoia reserved for short wave radio listeners and conspiracy theorists. And I loved smoking too. I really did. You know the wheels in your brain? Well mine are spun by gerbils on meth. Factor in paranoia and I could convince myself that a tactical team composed of highly trained girl scouts, former girl friends and Navy Seals were waiting outside my buddy's house to bust the door in, turn down our Afghan Whigs and interrogate us. What would they get us to admit to? I guess I could cop to an unshakable caffeine addiction.

10. Dane Cook will increase in popularity. There's a Billy Ran Cyrus element of magic to Dane Cook's career as he's insanely popular yet no one I know bought one of the millions of Cd's this guy, like Mr. Achy Breaky, has sold. A lot of America's tastes are formed around a type of laziness similar to lying on your side and waiting for an apple to roll into it. It is what it is. Still, Cook and Carrot Top could tour under the "Two Servings Of Awful" banner, and sell out shows from coast to coast. And so it goes.

Yer Pal, LMF
P.S.: Purple Rain beats out Lets Go Crazy every time.

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